My mother, despite her diagnosis, was an unusually light person, super emotional, spontaneous and super easy-going. But during her episodes, she opened up from a completely different side – suspicious, insecure and super frightened. I didn’t know her like this. After my return from the Caucasus, my mother wouldn’t have an episode for another 2 years (remember, she wasn’t taking medications) and her episodes were initially like thunder from a clear sky for me. Initially, she would get a cold, then «withdraw into herself» and after some time stop sleeping and eating. She could stand for hours on end in one place and stomp a little, like that for a day, night, and in the morning again in the same position.
At the same time, she could block my front door and ask me not to go to school. This was Hell! In the end, I would call an ambulance and she would be hospitalized for several months, and I lived on her pension, alone.
After treatment, she would return light and fulfilled and pretend nothing had happened.
In my hometown of Orenburg, there was no bullying either at school or at training. Quite the opposite, for some time I even felt like a «Star.» On the basketball team I was team captain, at school I was an excellent student. I had cheerful girlfriends with whom we spent time carefree.
My mother’s episodes repeated more and more often, and I wanted to be home less and less. And in 10th grade I got carried away, I decided with a friend to get jobs as waitresses at a local nightclub and be home even less. This was a fatal mistake, since during the day I studied, and at night instead of sleeping I went to work at the nightclub. I slept in snatches during the day after school and a couple hours in the morning before classes.
Chapter 3
Our Father, who art in heaven! Hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.
Like a chiseled ritual, in the evenings I would recite the words of the most famous prayer and ask the Lord God to help me on my path, to walk it and leave my hometown.
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